chrys messaged asking if i wanna go to singapore in january with the rest of the gang. why not?? it will be fun. and i hope to be able to meet up with wyn, nelson, divya, eric and the rest. it would be so cool. i miss them so much. was just chatting with nelson the other day. hope he really does come to visit me in kk too. ooohhh... i can't wait. maybe then i can drop by at hong kong too. hmmm... not a bad idea eh? -grins.

why can't this situation resolve itself? stupid question. let me rephrase it then. why can't we resolve things? who is pushing who away?

at sean's apartment now. gonna stay at his apartment till i leave to avoid paying rent at the shithole hostel. he's leaving for hong kong tomorrow so he graciously let us stay over, however not without a price. but it's considered very very cheap. not to mention that his apartment is fully air-conditioned. i haven't enjoyed air-con since i came here. and oohh... there's a tv and ps2 too! just like home. -grins. the view from his apartment is kinda cool too. you can see half the city. ok, maybe not that much but you get my point. awesome night view. ^^v

i'm still doubting what he said. i can't seem to get it out of my head. -sighs. it's getting tiring. i feel emotionally drained. i don't wanna do so much thinking when all i wanna do is sleep and relax. >.< i don't know whether to believe him or not. i want to but either way it's hurting me. if it's true, do i have a chance? i mean, he's not even in control of the situation. what chance do i have? if it's false, then why the whole story?? why can't you tell me the truth? aaarrggghhh... i'm so torn between believing him or doubting him! i just wanna have a simple nice happy sweet relationship for once. why is that so fcuking impossible?? -growls. i'm exhausted and pissed. why is my life so messed up?

i cannot sleep, i cannot dream tonight
i need somebody and always
this sick strange darkness
comes creeping on so haunting every time

beckie left tonight. -sobs. one less person to talk to here when i'm down. i'm goin to miss her. even though i'm goin to see her next month when i get back. i guess i just want someone who i know i can depend on here where i can see them and talk to them.

was chatting with jien last night. my god, the things she can come up with never cease to amaze me. she totally brighten up my day(night?). we were talking about long distance relationship and about the fact that i was warned not to date a hongkie. don't really know why but hongkie guys don't really have a good reputation when it comes to relationships. guess there's where i went wrong. but it's not as bad as they say. i mean, no one is perfect.

i don't know why i'm being so trusting. it sounds so true yet so false at the same time. but because i love you, i guess i'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. i guess this is what they called trust. i seriously hope that if it's false, you will repent. if it's true, then i wish you all the best. you know i will be by your side forever. it was never about me. it has and will always be about whether you give us a chance or not.

it's not ok.

seriously... why do i still bother?

if he wants to bloody fcuking continue with this little charade of his, then he better be ready for a one man show. cuz at the end of the day, he will be the only one still playing.

i'm very pissed off. i need something to vent my anger on. where's my punching bag when i need it? i need an outlet for all this anger and hurt. i wish nur and karem was still here.

been distracted lately. not in the mood to blog these days. been neglecting everything and everyone.

went for movies(taxi and the grudge) on the weekend and shopping today with william hoping that it will help lift my mood. but it hasn't been very helpful. i'm still down in the pits. i feel numb, i don't know what to feel anymore. the past few days has draining me emotionally and physically. i can even feel myself coming down with a sore throat and knowing my luck, i'm probably goin to have a full blown fever-cough-flu. then again it might be a good thing. i can sleep all day and not worry about anything. just let getting well take its natural course.

i never felt so numb in my whole entire life.

19 years is not a long time but it has been significantly long enough to let me see almost every side of human nature; the bad, the good and the ugly. i can't escape from this life of mine. i just can pray that i have learn something from all that i have been through to keep me safer this time around.

i did a very stupid thing last night. yours truly went out at 5.30am in short shorts thinking it was goin to be a nice windy night. unbeknownst to said stupid girl, it was a COLD windy night. those who lived at the hostel should know how bloody strong the wind gets when you turn the corner at the motorcycle shop. two words; fcuking cold. which kinda reminded me about the blink 182 concert i attended. this guy called out loud to us, "hey! what's your name? my name is cold, freezing cold. my friends just calls me 'cold'." = ="

went out with beckie again today for shopping, what else? she's leaving next saturday. -sobs. won't be seeing her that often next year since she will be in boondura(spell?). no more mommy to look after me and clean up my mess. >.<

tired tired tired. just got back from selling my old books, then heading all the way to university of melbourne to hand in the application and goin all the way back to the city to buy scissors. mind you, it's not an ordinary stationary scissors i was looking for. it's those specially for cutting/trimming/layering hair. bought it from petra, couldn't find one at myer, can you believe it?

anyway, saw this little booth at the toys section where kids can write letters to santa and guess what?? haha... you are right if you guessed that i wrote one too. -sheepish grin. my letter went something along the lines of "dear santa, i'm nikki. i'm 19 years old. my boyfriend likes spiderman. can you give him one? thanks. merry christmas!" i even decorated it with stars, christmas trees and hearts. haha...

almost got lost looking for the international admissions office at university of melbourne. that place is bloody big. had to ask for directions twice. = ="

some change of plans. maybe not moving out of the hostel this week yet since i paid the full rent for november. but i'm definately moving out around the 20++ of this month. -touch wood.

bbq at eric's last night. completely didn't feel like goin. i was in a stay-at-home mood after friday night and my lack of sleep. but i felt bad declining the invitation so off i went for some free food and to hang out with them for the last time this year. why does all party seems like a farewell to me? but it was nice. ^^

was looking through keipin's computer and i found out that he has armed reaction 4. i wanted to watch that for a long time!! but he's leaving soon. how am i goin to watch 40 episodes before he leaves? i can if i watch it nonstop but i'm not goin to put myself through canto serial hell.

it's raining everyday. i don't like this weather!! i like the rain only when i'm sleeping. i don't want it to rain everyday. i wanna go out. -whines.

what a long night/day!!!! went to karaoke at the request of tom using the excuse that it will be the last time this year before everyone leaves. yes my dear, last dinner, last karaoke, last what next sir?? anyway, around 12 of us were there. taught me how to play drinking games by "chak sik chai". you know those canto movies and serials where those people in pubs and karaoke shake this cylinder thingy with 5 dies inside? yup, exactly like that. also played "chai mui" and at times, in honour that i'm the only non-hongkie there, they would challenge me to a game of rock, paper, scissor. haha... fortunately for them, no one could managed to convince me to sing. hehe... i wouldn't want to scare away all the customers.

only got back home around 5am. played my crossgate for a while but couldn't take it anymore around 7. my eyes could barely open.

got awoken by magician at 12pm asking us to let him in. was all groggy and in sleep-walking state when i opened the door for him. but you know how it gets when you have a guest over... you just gotta be awake and be a good host. so now magician and fergus are in william's room watching initial d. sure keeps them occupied.

it's hailing!!!!!!! breaking news!! haha... it's hailing right in front of me now. i can see bits and pieces of ice falling on my window and the cars outside. it's so beautiful. okie, i think my lack of sleep is getting to me.

so tell me

how do you fall out of love?

i'm in too deep. i want to be in love, not IN love.

if i had the chance again, i would not choose this path.

went to nel/tom/magician's house for dinner. last dinner they will be cooking so they asked us over. all i can say is that magician and tom can cook better meals than the cooks in the hostel. took some pics of us and the food and chocolate ball(their dog). which reminds me... tonight is the first time i have ever seen a dog been punished to stand by it's owner. seriously. i have heard of other punishments before but this is the first time i have seen a dog actually standing there for an hour and 15 minutes. i'm quite awestruck if you ask me.

mom called. said that her and daddy will be goin up to tenom so i don't have to call home on saturday. so nice of her. then again, she's my mom.

eric messaged saying he has a BBQ on saturday. still haven't decided if i wanna go or not. should be fun right? and it would be my last time to annoy him, in his own house nonetheless! muahahaha... but his girlfriend is goin to be there so i gotta be a sweet and polite guest.

keipin has just announced that his english name is joseph. so we should now call him hu, joseph hu. ok, i know this is completely irrelevant to my post but he's just too crappy. ignore this paragraph if you wanna.

just got back from shopping with beckie. bought some stuff for myself and bought sweets from suga for my mom and her twin sister. i was actually thinking of buying sweets for all my aunts and uncles back home. then it hit me that my mom has 6 brothers and sisters and that is goin to make a very big dent in my wallet so the idea was scraped before i could even pick out 6 packets. so anyway, i'm still not satisfied with the stuff i bought today. i still wanna go shopping! the shopaholic in me has been kept dormant for too long.

i have my schedule or whatever you wanna call it all plan out. moving out of the hostel around the 20th to magician's place. it's kinda a hush hush thing since i don't think nelson and tom knows that we are moving in so soon after they leave. la la la la. did i say anything about moving in? nay... anyway, i will only be flying home on the 20th of december so i probably will look for a house/apartment here so that i don't have to come back earlier next year and miss out on all the ang pows during chinese new year. it's my source of income, don't you know? and during that time before i leave, i'm gonna drag william around melbourne with me. we could go shopping! haha... he would just roll his eyes at that idea.

anyway, dino has gotten me hooked on that 70's show again. that guy is dangerous to be around with. he can help you fill up your free time in a blink of an eye. not to mention my hard drive space. i have this annoying habit of not deleting anything that i download. so far i have 2 movies and 3 cantonese serials on my hard drive. probably will be deleting the movies but i'm keeping the serials for my mom. see? i'm a good girl!

now that i have so much free time on my hands, i'm back to playing crossgate and this new taiwan online game, flyff , where the characters can fly. the only reason i'm playing that is cuz of the flying part and the fact that it's a new game thus it's free. and dino has asked about crossgate before and i never managed to quite get you to understand how it look like so as they say, a picture speaks a thousand words.

now you now what it looks like. it's addictive, it's useless, it's totally lacking in educational value, it's a waste of time, it's gibberish to me(i don't type and read chinese yet it's a chinese game) but all i care is that it's bloody cute! haha... that's why i like playing it. see the girl in white apron and pink braid? that's me! but i have to admit that i know now how to type very basic kindergarden standard chinese words such as ���,雿�,隞�. haha... it's me, you, him if you wanna know. i just remembered that some browsers don't support chinese words so that would look like gibberish to some. and mind you, i'm not typing using "han yu pin yin". that's easy. i'm typing using the way you write words. ok, i realized that sounded downright rubbish and confusing but erm... i'm not very good at explaining so let's just leave it at that.

well, off i go to eat my drool-worthy lollipop that i bought from suga!

andre just came knocking on william's door asking us to take a picture with him for rememberance. i think i should do that too, before everyone leaves. i can't get over the fact that this year has just come and gone in a blink of an eye. i'm goin to miss everyone so bad. and before nur leaves, i gotta get back all the stuff that i left in her room collecting dust. which reminds me that i still haven't give back wyn her scissors. so many loose ends to tie up before everyone leaves.

last day of exams today!! i'm finally free!! i feel relieved yet i feel bittersweet. i have mixed emotions about leaving taylors college. i'm so goin to miss everyone there. i glad to finally not have to wait for the lifts, realizing that it's not goin to come and i have to walk up 7 floors. i'm not goin to miss attending comp sci class with mrs yau droning on and on about visual basic and what not.

but i'm definately goin to miss all the friends i have made this year. wyn and balqis has always made eng class more enjoyable especially with balqis blur-ness. maths has been made easier for me with amber next to me. it's a miracle that she hasn't die from trying to get the maths concept into my head. nelson was always nice to talk to before and during chem class. come to think of it, i usually spend my chem lesson gossiping with sharon, trying not to let mr tassone catch us. and even though comp sci is a hell to get through without falling asleep, it's the only class where my baby is sitting next to me. econs had been lotsa fun annoying the hell out of eric and trying not to fall asleep in fear of getting a pic taken of me being a sleeping beauty.

not to mention the rest in the hostel; my 'son' sandy, my 'nephews' wei liang, alan and mario, my 'adik' azzad, milly(the joker who started the popcorn fire) and the most recent addition to the big family we have, my 'grandson' clifford. a lot of them moved up and out but everyone still kept in contact. it was fun walking around, irritating everyone, pissing sandra and the supervisors off with our noise.

nur, anisha, karem, ahmed and dex. i'm goin to miss you guys. spent the first 2 months here with you guys and i'm grateful that i met you.

my baby... i never thought that we would get back together and still be together. -touch wood. i don't expect us to last forever but i hope we stay together for as long as possible. maybe you could prove me wrong that happiness will never last forever. i still have my doubts about you but i'm willing to give it a go. you're the one who taught me that holding on doesn't make you strong, it's letting go that does. i know if anything happens, i will be able to let go. i don't believe in long distance but i trust you back in hong kong.

-sighs. i'm goin to miss everyone. it has been a fun year and i'm glad that i spent it with this bunch of people.

i never like saying goodbye. i hate the fact that now i have no choice but to say goodbye. but maybe one day i will meet all of them again. who knows?

spent the whole day studying in front of my laptop. any sane person would know that is impossible. so no surprise there that today is one of my most unproductive day. one good thing is that i'm still not sleepy now so i'm still in the process of studying. albeit still in front of my laptop. -sheepish grin. i can't resist it! the temptation is too strong. and i'm wasting more time by updating my blog now. hehe...

sometimes i wonder how would it be if i didn't get back with him. i think i would most definately still be hanging out with nur and anisha. it feels weird in a normal way that the 3 of us are leading different lives now. i do miss the times we were together. it was definately memorable and fun. i wonder if they share the same sentiments as me. at times i wonder would i be happier with them. even though i only knew them this year, i bonded with them like sisters. i told them things that even my best friend back home didn't know of. we sure did some crazy stuff back then. i wonder if that incriminating evidence is still on dex's laptop. -laughs. speaking of which, dex and karem were always around too. -sighs. i do miss those times. too late for regrets now. although i'm not even sure if i'm regreting or not. confused? so am i. but all i know is that i choosed and i have to live with it. just make the best of it and live for the moment.

last exam on monday!! finally... free at last. -grins. now all i gotta concentrate on memorizing every bloody economic terms into my head.

the angel in the shadows,
the devil in the daylight,
who should i trust tonight?

don't know why i agree to watch final destination 2 just now. i'm traumatized. sad to say i'm very easily freak out by gruesome disgusting deaths that manifest as freak accidents. -sheepish grin. i'm also not the type who can watch a horror movies and forget about it the next day. the image and sound will stay with me for months to come. but i thoroughly enjoy watching horror movies. ironic isn't it? you can't resist what is bad for you.

got chem over with. nothing much to say. almost forgot what "metalloids" were. although i still don't what appropiate examples to use. comp sci tomorrow. -sighs.

will you...
will you love me tomorrow?
will you...
will you stay with me today?
will you...
will you be here tomorrow?
so will you...
you remember yesterday?

beckie's got a stalker calling her for hours straight everyday. not to mention that the stalker is a girl. sounds creepy. if it was me being stalked, i would be annoyed. according to her, she can make a police report under australian's law. she would rather do that then change her number cuz she likes her number with all the 4s in it. = ="

chem tomorrow! i'm nervous. i don't know why. maybe i don't feel prepared at all. been getting lazier as i get older.

i just realized i have no idea when i'm going back, 15th of dec or 20th of dec. wanted to go back on the 20th but there is no seat so i'm on the waiting list. so daddy booked one on the 15th so that i won't be stranded in melb. hmm... i hope he confirms it soon.

don't feel like studying. being a very lazy girl. took an afternoon nap and woke up at 5pm thinking 4pm. whoops... saw beckie coming back with shopping bags and now i wanna go shopping!! i want to buy, buy and buy! haven't bought anything for weeks now. -pouts. the shopaholic in me is coming out. muahaha~

off to study!! wish me good luck!!

crappy hostel has no hot water again last night. the water was freezing cold but i persisted and managed to wash my hair. i can't stand it when i leave my hair unwashed for a day. what was funnier(how come this doesn't sound like a word?) was allan getting everyone to assist him in boiling hot water so that he could take his precious shower. just think of how many kettle of hot water they had to boil to fill his pail and you can imagine how troublesome and amusing the situation was.

i'm exhausted. slept at god knows what time last night. remember seeing the sky turning bright and thinking "hey, it's morning already". woke up at noon thanks to my rumbling stomach.

should be burying my head in my books now. but william baby is and will finish downloading the grudge for our viewing purpose. have you ever notice how nice movies always comes out during exam time? it's like some kinda conspiracy by some higher power.

note: the grudge has uploaded to 92.2% at the moment